MEDIATE, DON'T LITIGATE

 I N G R I D  S L E Z A K  F A M I L Y   M E D I A T I O N   S E R V I C E S

The Woman's Journal

BY INGRID SLEZAK

When a relationship is in conflict, trust is the first thing to go. In the resulting
vacuum, anxiety and fear have ample room to grow. Neither person knows
what the other is thinking - or about to do. A wife thinks - Is he going to move money around, empty bank accounts? How will I support myself and the kids? Can I keep the house? How do I protect myself? And he panics - am I going to be taken to the cleaners? Is she going to run to the bank, run up the credit cards, take the kids? How can we afford this?

Things Can Escalate

These are normal reactions to the inevitable stress of an impending separation or divorce. Many couples are able to calm their fears and proceed to work things out. Others take unilateral action. They hire the best lawyer they can - or can't - afford. They get restraining orders from the court. They take half - or all - the cash out of the bank. And a cycle has begun.

Each one thinks that he or she is acting defensively to protect himself, but these actions are always perceived as aggressive by the other spouse, who then in turn acts to defend him or herself. So the spiral starts - a series of escalating moves which intensify the conflict and erode what little trust remains. Friends and relatives will urge you - protect yourself, assert your rights, hire a tough lawyer! And now you have made the most important decision you can make. You have turned your separation, your divorce, your conflict over to other hands. It will take a long time before things get calmed down.

Even when a couple is talking_and trying to handle things civilly for themselves and for the kids_it is impossible not to feel anxiety and fear for the future. After all, the ending of a relationship is often a sad and angry business, and the future outside of the relationship is unknown and scary.

Ninety to ninety-five percent of divorce cases are settled before they go to trial. But litigation has a life of its own, and the development of a case to the point where negotiation occurs follows certain patterns. Client consultations with the attorney, discovery, depositions, expert witnesses, appraisals, hearings, attorney telephone conferences, settlement discussions_the list goes on, and so do the bills.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution. It does not eliminate the need for an attorney to advise you of the best options to protect your interests, but works in conjunction with attorneys to afford individuals the option to collaboratively negotiate an agreement for themselves. In mediation, you can work out property settlements, support or alimony, as well as custody and visitation disputes.

Mediation is a process in which a skilled, neutral mediator works with the parties, using a step by step approach, to gather information, educate the clients, analyze the data, generate options, and, once all parties are fully informed, negotiate a settlement. The parties are given information along the way about their specific issues, and where there are further questions, the couple is encouraged to get independent advice from attorneys, accountants, custody evaluators, psychologists or other professionals.

You Save Money

Even where both parties have independent attorneys to advise them, the cost of settling through mediation is substantially less than settlement through their respective attorneys. Rather than pay these highly skilled professionals full time, you're using them selectively and where appropriate to ensure that you're getting the information and advice you need. A settlement agreement, which is a contract listing and dividing the marital property and financial obligations, establishing custody, visitation, child support and spousal support or alimony, is filed with the court and becomes a part of the divorce.

You're In Control

Mediation allows people who have a dispute - and who may even be in high conflict with each other - to resolve their differences in a way that is fair to all, consistent with state law, and meets the interests of each of them. It also helps parties focus on the future, and where children are involved, on a new relationship as parents. The outcome of the mediation is in the hands of the parties -they control the result.

Mediation is private and confidential. If mediation fails, the parties can turn their dispute over to a judge or an arbitrator who will make a decision for them. But when the parties are able to work with a mediator to settle their issues, they are more likely to tailor a result that meets their particular circumstances. And when children are involved, mediation promotes the conflict resolution skills that enable the parties to put their "marital argument" behind them and work to cooperate and communicate in the task of parenting after divorce.

Ingrid Slezak is an attorney who limits her practice to divorce and family law mediation.